Let It Go
by Karissagrace
Summary: (Set during I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here) Sam Winchester was about to walk into the cabin when he heard a voice he hasn't heard in years try to change his mind. (Spoilers for ITIGLIH)


When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying, "Save me now!"

You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

_~Iridesant, Linkin Park_

"Sarah... I had a girlfriend. And she died. And my Mom died, too. I don't know, it's like... it's like I'm cursed or somethin', like death just follows me around. Look, I'm not scared of much, but if I let myself have feelings for anybody..."

"You're scared they'd get hurt too. That's very sweet... And very archaic."

_~Sam Winchester and Sarah Blake, Provenance _

**AN: I really liked the premiere, but I thought that it was missing a little something, thus inspiring me to write my first SPN fanfic. I was planning on publishing it before the second episode came out, but I didn't really know how to put it into words so that's why I published it after the mid-season finale. If the format is weird I apologize for that I'm having a bit of trouble with it. I hope you like it and that it doesn't seemed rushed. **

* * *

Sam looked at the spot his conscious in the form of Dean, the part of him that wanted to live, stood moments before. He then glanced at the cabin standing just ten feet away. It seemed like the best choice, not just for him, but for everyone. He could end all the pain, all the loss, all the suffering. He could meet up with Bobby and grab a cold one. Hell, he could even see the Harvells, Ash, Sarah, his parents, and anyone else he cared about so much that died because of him. He could just escape all these life-or-death decisions and just choose the one he knew was best for him, for everyone around him.

"Sam?"

He was ready to strike Dean again, knowing how much Dean wanted him to stay alive, when he realized the voice sounded different. It sounded feminine, soothing, and beautiful. He hasn't heard that voice in years. It can't be...

Sam spun around and came face to face with the voice. "Jess?"

Standing right in front of him was Jessica Moore, the woman he loved so much and planned to marry before the Yellow Eyed Demon killed her the same way he killed his mother Mary. Jess flashed him one of her prized smiles. Sam didn't know if he was hallucinating, if Jess was a part of his conscious, or if her ghost somehow appeared. Real or not real, Sam didn't care. Jess was standing right there in front of him. His Jessica.

The haunting memory hit him like a tidal wave. He could still remember arriving at the dark apartment, reading the note from Jess, lying down on the bed they shared, feeling the blood dripping on his forehead. He remembered opening his eyes only to find the woman he loved pinned up on the ceiling, blood pooling on her nightgown, fires eloping her. She died the same way his mother died, on the ceiling, unable to move, fire spreading around the room until it claimed it's prey.

"Wow, you've grown quite a bit." Jess said as she observed his face. Sam took the time to study her too.

She looked exactly the same as she did before she died. Her soft, curly blond hair was flowing past her shoulders. Her nightgown she wore the night she died had no traces of blood on it. She still looked so beautiful. He reached and gently touched her cheek. She grabbed his hand.

"I heard your ready to give this true?" Sam opened his mouth to speak, but then he clamped it shut and looked down at his feet. Jess knew exactly what that meant. "Sam listen to me-"

"Jess, I have to do this," he looked up, his eyes shining with unshed tears, "I'm done with all this crap I've put up with for the last nine years. I lost so many people I cared about- you, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Sarah- and trouble follows me everywhere! I just don't care anymore! I need it to stop!" Sam yelled, a little harsher than necessary. He noticed how Jess winced as he finished his confession. Jess began to study the Sam more.

Looking at his outfit, he still had a liking of jackets and plaid shirts. Other than that, the Sam she knew was pretty much gone. His hair had grown out longer than she's ever seen. She's pretty sure he had scars she couldn't see. His face was what scared her the most. His chin and cheeks were covered with small stubble's of hair, indicating that he hasn't shaved in awhile. He had dark spots under his eyes, evidence of fatigue. But the thing that concerned Jess the most was the way his eyes were hardened. It wasn't the kind, calm, lovable puppy dog she recalled seeing at Stanford. They were cold, hard and not to mention tired. The entire time he gave Jess his little speech, she watched his eyes and noticed how the tired and sorrowful look didn't change. He was being true to his word._ He's been through so much..._

"Sam, you don't have to do this. You can't do this, not now. You can go back and find Dean and Castiel and Kevin. Just please, don't do this. It's not time to do this, not now." She gently laid a hand on his cheek. "I know it's rough, but you can't go."

Sam glanced at the cabin, then back at Jess. Her heart broke at what he said next.

"Jess, I'm sorry. I'm just so tired of this. I've given up so much over the last nine years, I've lost so many people. I've lost Dean a few times as well. I should have stayed dead when I was killed at Cold Oaks. Dean should've never made that deal. I overdue my stay. My time is up."

Jess wanted to say more. She wanted to beg him not to go, slap him and say he was being to selfish, yell at him, comfort him, but she couldn't. She knew that he already made up his mind. The worst part was that when he said he didn't care anymore, he looked like he really meant it. And once Sam Winchester makes up his mind, it's almost impossible for anyone to change it.

Jess peeked at the cabin that literally held Sam's fate, then looked back at Sam. She knew nothing she said would ever change his mind. "Well then, I guess I'll see you on the other side." Jess started to flicker before she was completely gone. Sam looked around the woods, head racing with too many thoughts. Once he was gone, Dean wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. Dean could try to give up hunting and enjoy life. Then again, Dean wasn't the kind of person to leave hunting. In fact, he could never give up hunting. Once a hunter, always a hunter. Sam waked up to the door, uncertain of the current situation. He really didn't want to go, but he would only bring more pain if he stayed.

Sam took a deep breath and pushed the wooden door, revealing a small messy room. The interior looked antique and worn out. The wallpaper barred a similar resemblance to the ones covering the walls in Bobby's old house. The ground was littered with papers, glass, and other junk. It wasn't until the silhouette of the man standing at the fireplace spoke that Sam realized he was no longer alone.

"Hello Sam."

Sam immediately recognized the voice. It sent chills down his spine. He and Dean had ran into him more times than he liked. _Arn't reapers suppose to take me away instead of Death himself?_

Death turned his back to the fireplace, now facing Sam. "I've been waiting for you."


End file.
